I understand just how you feel.
posted by Sarah @ 4:17 PM
7 Comments
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Previous Posts
- Say you're sorry.
- Is that a group question?
- Someone in your group knows.
- Ask three before me.
- Put your baseball cards away. It's time for math.
- My patience is running out.
- Always do your best.
- Stop daydreaming.
- What did you really want to tell her?
- I don't like what I just heard. If you're angry, t...
Subscribe to
Posts [Atom]
7 Comments:
WOW is this ever true! I've learned this from my own experiences with cancer. When Frank was sick and passed away, I had people tell me that from time to time and I just passed it off as "They have had similar circumstances, but no, they don't know exactly how I feel. They are just trying to empathize and show they care or can relate." Only I knew - not even my kids because we all dealt with it in our own way. (Which,BTW, caused problems because they assumed since we all went through the same crisis, we would all feel the same, but we didn't.
Now my fiance's son was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, had surgery and is undergoing chemo and radiation. Well I know what my scenario with cancer treatment was like and when I shared that "I knew what it was like", I got hit with "No you don't know what it's like to have your child have cancer". I learned right then and there not to go there any more... All I could do was acknowledge that he was hurting from the situation, and even though I went through a similar situation, I really don't know what he's feeling, or how he's dealing with it at the moment... So I make myself available to him and let him know that when he wants to talk, or just be quiet, I'm there for him and I will listen.
Everyone's feelings are personal, and important to them. Sometimes our problems seem to be worse than everyone else's because they are ours and we are the ones that have to deal with them. When someone is hurting, even though you may want to help, the best thing to do, at least at first, is listen and let them know you care.
Reflective listening is an essential skill. All too often we want to solve problems quickly by just acknowledging that someone is upset. Children and adults can easily respond with "No, you don't understand." Reflective listening helps the individual solve their own conflict by just having someone listen and knowing that they were heard.
I believe this to be true. This is not only true with your students, but with everyone you have a relationship with. When you say I understand how you feel, you truly might not. It is really good to retell what you think they are feeling and saying and that way they can correct you if you are misunderstanding them. Or say " What I think you are feeling or saying is this......"
When you restate a persons feelings and thoughts, you are showing them you were really listening to what they were saying. You give them validation.
If I can model this for my students I will be helping them become good friends, spouses, co-workers. Sometimes we get so focused on academic content we forget about other goals, like emotional intelligence, that are so important.
Thanks for sharing that Carol. That took a lot of courage and it helps me know that is not always a comforting phrase. We really need to think and ask ourselves if we DO know how that person feels and have we ever been in the exact same situation. You told us being in the same situation/crisis may still cause different feelings and reactions. I like the advice of making yourself available. Thanks again, Carol.
I am also a fan of reflective listening. I don't exactly agree with the examples here because it seems to me that if you state "you are angry because" you are implying that indeed you do know how they feel. My take (taught to me by a wise teacher) is that these statements would work best as "I" statements such as "I hear you saying" or "It sounds to me"
Wow Carol you are so right! Even if you have experienced the same thing with someone else, you can't possible know how they feel. Everyone has different feelings, and deals with things differently. I will be more conscious when listening to what other people have to say. Thank you for sharing that with us!
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home