I don't like what I just heard. If you're angry, tell me another way.
posted by Sarah @ 5:42 AM
10 Comments
Thursday, February 19, 2009
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We all have our "moments" and being able to show students that we can also take back HOW we said something is very important. I did it today! I thought about how I "delivered" a message to a particular student yesterday and first thing this morning I asked him if I could have a new chance to express myself to him. He grinned and my heart danced that I would have a chance to tell him my message in "another way"...
When kids say things inappropriately when they are upset I sometimes tell them that wasn't very nice and ask them if they'd like to "rephrase that". It seems to help them stop and think about what they said and to say it a different, (and hopefully) more appropriate way. They can still express themselves but not in an attacking way.
So true Gwenn! I think we have all said things and then realized it didn't come out the way we wanted - it is so valuable to share that with a student and allow them to see that adults need to "try again" too. How many times do we tell our students, "it's not what you said but how you said it". We need to listen to ourselves too!
I know we have all at times wanted to just suck the words right back in, but sometimes it is also the tone. When kindergarteners "talk" to a peer about how they feel, sometimes the words are okay, but they are yelling. Other times they might say "stop!", but not say what they would like their peer to stop doing. We have to be so specific and deliberate with explanations. I witnessed that today with a child who thought he was "in trouble", but really it was the way the adult phrased what they told him to do, and then had to rephrase it so he knew what the directions were, and that he was not actually in trouble.
This is a much better method than just trotting out the old "You are being disrespectful comment". It avoids power plays with students by giving them a real opportunity to say what they are really feeling and thinking, yet at the same time it models self respect and appropriate rephrasing.
We have all said things that did not come out right. It is important to go back and try and explain that is not the way we wanted it to sound.
I always have kids getting frustrated or angry, sometimes with me or with other students. If they arent thrilled with the sport we are doing sometimes they let me know. I tell them to rephrase what they just said because it was disrespectful, normally they settle down and apologize and say it in a nicer way. I tell them the proper way to communicate a problem. I tell them that if they talk to people like that that it wont help them to accomplish anything, people wont take them seriously
Adults must be aware that even subtle verbal attacks or name calling directed at them by students must be addressed immediately. Ignored or handled poorly gives the impression that it is ok. Students see so much of this behavior on television and assume it is ok. Also using the phrase the authors offer is a great non-confrontational approach and helps the student find an appropriate way to express themselves.
I love this! I am always caught off guard when a student is really angry....I guess I just think that they should get as angry as some of them do. We always talk it out but I don't always know the best way to approach them and how to get them to talk to me without the anger.
I like to model this... It doesn't have to be just when we are angry, but anytime. The "how" we say something can change the meaning of what we are trying to say.
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